Microblog Monday- not what was expected!

It feels like that sentence is defining my week so far.  We had a nice Saturday, going out to dinner for G’s birthday.  Sunday was not bad either, but the family dinner at my mum’s was definitely not what was expected.

There was a loud argument (is it an argument when only one person is yelling?) between one of my step-brothers and my mum and stepfather.  Just after I have had a week or two contemplating the relative non-confrontational manner of my family.

Today i took my limping iPhone to the Apple store to see if they could help.  yes they could- i was on track for a battery replacement until they discovered third party mods.  I got that phone new out of the box from work.  not happy.

And then i go to blog on my ipad and the app will not open!

A deep breath, just keep going even when it isn’t going to plan.

Struggles

So depression.  Like I said in the earlier post, it is quite situational.  It is five years since the first pregnancy.  And that is proving to be much harder than I thought. If I had even thought about it.  I think because if someone had told me at that time that there would still be no children five years later, I would not have believed.  It’s not an easy thought.

So I think I have reached the point at which I cannot keep actively trying.  It’s hard there too.  And that is causing a lot of sadness.

I know my coworker is trying.  I suspect she may already be pregnant.  She’s six months younger than me.  And that too will be very hard, because it just isn’t fair.  And life isn’t fair, but it doesn’t make it easier when it isn’t.  

So struggling there.  And the plan B- the one where we ceased to be responsible adults and went off travelling. That one has been spiked, as a result of having J move in.  And that comes with a dose of frustration.  

My life feels largely out of my control.  The paths I want to take are not available, but not through my choices.

kyoto day four

We did something a bit different on this day.  By this point a lot of shops were shut for the new year holiday. As we had not gone to Mt Koya when we were in Osaka, I thought we could go up a different mountain. I wanted to take G to Kurama, a little tiny village that holds a bizarre fire festival in October. I have been to the fire festival twice, but never had much of a chance to see the village.  The train there goes from a small station not connected to any other line.

To get there we ended up taking a subway to the same stop as the imperial palace and then walking several blocks and across the river to get to the little station.  The walk was nice, a chance to see a more everyday side of kyoto.  Then we came to the bridge over the river. It’s actually the point where two rivers merge.  And we could cross on the bridge, or use giant stepping stones.  Of course we chose the stones! Some were shaped like turtles

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River with stepping stones

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Every picture of me from this trip looks the same, because of the scarf and hat!IMG_4407 IMG_4410 IMG_4412

Train

The train was small, only two carriages, and it would through the outer suburbs of Kyoto before starting to climb. Not a long ride, maybe 30 minutes.

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Kurama was the last stop.  We got out and wandered down the street- it is basically one street on the side of the mountain, houses on either side.  We were looking for the cable car.  We didn’t find it, but we found ice!  Then we went back to the shrine near the station, climbed the stairs and found a tiny cable car- what I would call a funicular.  Tiny, only one seat each side of the aisle. We took that up e side of the mountain, not very far. That part of the mountain is part of a temple complex, so there are buildings and paths, but also trees and calm.  I liked being in the middle of the pine forest.  It is very soothing for me (not so much for G).  We didn’t follow the trail to the next valley, but walked down towards the village.

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Then we took the train back down the mountain.  Near the end station there was a bus that took us close to Ginkakuji- the silver temple.  Unlike the gold temple, it isn’t actually silver.  it has a beautiful garden though

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Philosophers path

Once we had finished at the temple we wandered down the philosophers path.  This is a walkway along a little canal that runs between Ginkakuji and several other temples.  In the spring it is lined with cherry blossom, in the fall with colourful leaves.  We were on it on a chilly winter twilight.  There are a of little shops and cafes along the path, catering to tourists.  Not all of them were open, due to both the late time and the fact that the new year holidays were somewhat in effect. We did find a shop that lets you cast your own pottery piece!

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We didn’t do the pottery thing- we bought a couple of premade cups though.

We kept going through the chilly evening.  There are a lot of cats in this area.  But my photos are not so great in the light. At the end of the path we headed back towards the bus route, and we found a coffee shop we went to back in 2010.  This was the shop that introduced us to siphon coffee.  So we stopped in and had a cup.  It seems to be a bit of a taxi driver hangout in the evening.

Then we caught the bus back and ended up at a lovely Italian restaurant in the station.

Brief notes

It’s starting to get chilly.  Not by much, but enough that we don’t need fans in the evening.

First gym class in a month.  My core muscles don’t seem to exist anymore.  But I do feel calmer.

A little more on the stitching, it’s a slow process.

I had my annualish work performance discussion. All good.  I may get to change my title.  I probably won’t get to be research manager, but if anyone has any suggestions?  I am the research department, plus do compliance stuff.  

I need to be careful on my reading material.  I reread a book last night where the emotional justice is not balanced (the bad things one character does are not redeemed).  It made me quite upset.  The entertainment we consume does have an effect.

Stitch swap. It’s an event, usually facilitated by Internet, where several people agree to participate, usually around a theme.  Each person is assigned a person to make something for.  Sometimes swaps are balanced, two people make each other something.  Sometimes they are not balanced, I make something for one person and a third person makes something for me.  This is the first time I have participated in a stitch swap, and I am a bit worried I will struggle with the timeframe.

 

Microblog Monday – bits and pieces

Oh look, a post for microblog Monday.  And posts two days in a row!  

I have been taking an unplanned break from writing and reading blogs.  As always, there are blogs that have fallen away when I return.  It’s sad, not knowing why.  But I am noticing fewer blogs out there. Or maybe I am looking in the wrong places?

My period started today. Which is a boo for the whole TTC thing, but also seems to be a return to 30 day cycles instead of 34 or so. Which is good.

I have just signed up for a stitch swap.  First time, what was I thinking?

Still working through Terry Pratchett’s books.  I had forgotten how on target some of his observations can be.

 

A bit rambly

This post is brought to you by the letter d.  For depression.  I am staring to suspect that is part of the problem (and yes, very possible to be depressed and not realise it, that is an issue). Some of it is situational, in that I am adjusting to circumstances not of my making.  Some of it may not be, or not in the same way.

 

This April marks five years of infertility.  Not five years of trying – we started a bit earlier, but five years of dealing with the not quite working part.  It’s the five year anniversary of the first problem pregnancy.  I don’t know if I can keep going.  People who had not even thought of their first child when we were going through this are on their second ( or third). It’s not very fun.

But I do have a child at home.  Some observations:

1. Children are cute in proportion to both their neediness and their helplessness. Babies and toddlers are very cute, because they are both care intensive and very helpless. As they grow older they are less cute, but that’s ok, because they are both less annoying and more competent. Teenagers however, reverse this.  They are not cute! But are intensely irritating, although should be competent in the self care area (should).  Which leads me to the next observation

2. All of those nature shows where the monkey tribe, or the lion pride or the giraffe herd sends away the adolescent males (and only the adolescent male): I used to feel sorry for them, and wonder why the group was so cruel. Not anymore.  My opinion has changed. The group is doing it for the good of the group.  It is interesting that it is is common across the animal kingdom and even in a lot of human societies- male adolescents are dispatched elsewhere to get over their hormones.  

3. My family was very quiet and conflict averse.  Arguments and fights did happen, but alternative measures worked better.  Some of this may have been deliberate, some not.  My family had a pool in the back yard- no pool fence, though the back yard was fenced (my sister was 7 when it went in, so no toddlers around). We knew we weren’t allowed to swim without an adult home, and we had to tell an adult before swimming.  I don’t know what the threatened punishment was, because none of us did.  Even though my mother worked at least part of the summer (she was a uni student and then a teacher) and my brother and I Would have been at home. Anyway, my operating mode in family is fairly polite, and assumes every one else is.  J has a much more argumentative expectations.  Everything comes tinged with a bit more aggression and argument.  It’s very tiring.  It isn’t as much a problem for G, his family is also more contrary.

4. Everyone’s expectations around home behaviours are different.  And because it’s something learned at home, where everyone else does it, it can be hard to explain it to someone else.  When you move in with someone, it is more like a learning and negotiation process.  Getting a newcomer to align with existing rules is interesting. Some are just habits, others are more fundamental.

There are some good bits.  I think G likes the fact he is getting time with J, he didn’t get a lot while he was younger.  Having an unemployed person round the house means that laundry gets done in a regular basis.  Cleaning not so much.  And it has imposed some eating discipline on the house.

 

I haven’t been to the gym in almost a month(my scars) and that is not helping my mental state.  Will be starting back in the next week or so- taking it easy.

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