Arguing with it

I Like to think I am reasonably tech savvy.  My family had a pc before I was ten ( gen y may not think much of this, but as someone born in the 70s, it is actually pretty reasonable.  Occasionally I can out geek my husband ( he works in IT) like when I talk about learning to program ( in basic and logo) on commodores, or owning SimEarth.

I don’t program now, and am not as savvy as I used to be ( having a resident expert kind of does that) but I still qualify as one of the more tech savvy peoplwooI my office ( not hard when at least one former coworker asked me how to resize a PDF – as in change the magnification. )

So myinteractions with IT helpdesks over the years have been mixed. Where they recognize that I have some knowledge and will have done as much as possible, they are friendly.

Action plan

Well, I was going to write a post about my surgery, but have been derailed by work. We signed “action plans” a few months ago. Mine forces me to rely on external assistance for two of my three tasks and I was away for a third of the time. I asked if it impacted my performance and was told no. Today I learned it does.
New action plan- find a new job.

Fitnessing

So, the last two days I have gone for a walk ( little bit of running) at lunch. I have signed up for a 10 k fun run, as have my coworkers, so there is some support. Where I work it is about 5-10 minute walk to the riverside bike and up running path. It had been years since I was on the stretch around here, and it has been very nicely redone. Most of it is clearly delineated between bike section and walking path which is awesome.

It’s very close to the river, and I took some photos, but the iCloud won’t share without wifi, and apparently not without more prompting, because yesterday’s photos are not yet on the iPad.

Random thoughts

And it’s Thursday!

Things I realised today

Sometimes it is good to be child free. We are going to a very nice dinner thing at the barracks( a shopping centre) near work. My co-worker is quite envious- the set up looks awesome, but cannot go due to toddler, and the fact that she has used all possible baby sitting credit for his sick days. Not even a consideration for us.

Went for a walk along the river today. Would like to share photos, but had not set up photo stream to do so without going home.

We still have the ultrasound of the baby last august on the fridge. I am kind of expecting my sister and my mom to be around in the next month or so. Do I take it off? Is it weird to keep the ultrasound of a d.e.a.d baby on the fridge? I don’t really have anywhere else, and it’s not going in the rubbish.

I can no longer see the search terms that land people on my blog, but there seems to be someone curious about a particular IVF drug here.

The other elephant in the room

I went to acupuncture today, and I have now had my first medical type personage comment on my weight re fertility. I am not thin. I have definitely put on weight in the last few years. I know this, and already had a must lose weight moment last week. But today was the first time a medical ish person has indicated I need to watch my weight. And it was in conjunction with my high blood pressure.

I nodded, agreed and then came back to work for my Thai leftovers ( probably not that healthy). But I am now eating some walnuts instead of chocolate.

More thinking

My last post was about whether the whole process will be worth it, and I need to think about it.

There are three sorts of costs that go along with the whole IF thing.

1. Monetary cost- well, IVF isn’t cheap. Nor are the various other bits and pieces. Now, apparently this is nothing against the cost of an actual child, but I don’t anticipate that anyone is going to be asking me to fork over thousands of dollars for an activity the child may get to do. Which is what IVF is, an activity that may not provide an actual child. We are fortunate, much of the cost is covered by the health system, and some by our private insurance and between our wages and my mum’s help we have been able to afford this. But it has come at a monetary cost. As my husband says, the money doesn’t matter. Well, it does, but it isn’t the most significant cost.

2. Time. The whole process costs time. We have been on this journey for over four years. That’s four years where a lot of time has been spent waiting for results, waiting for procedures, waiting to see.

3. Emotional. This is the biggie. The emotional cost is hard to quantify, because it is intangible, but there are relationships that are frayed as a result of this process, there are activities I have given up, there is a lot of baggage that I can’t imagine losing. This is from both angles- the recurring miscarriages and the IVF disappointments. My inner happiness level has taken a few jumps down.

When faced with the seemingly endless stories about how financially disastrous it is to be a mum, how parents are not really happier than non-parents, how my quality of life will take a dive ( compared to what?!), it can be really hard to see why putting us through the wringer of treatments is a good idea. And it is really hard to say, those stories could be by childless people, trying to convince themselves that life is better, or they could be by the parents who refuse to drink the Koolaid and want the truth out there. Some people are meant to be parents and others aren’t, but we usually don’t work it out until we are one. What if I go through all this to discover that I am not a good parent? Or that I hate it?

At what point do I think that the costs are not outweighed by the potential for a baby? And that is the worst part- there is no guaranteed happy ending, but we still have to pay.

Is it worth it?

I know, two posts in one day?!
But this has been at the back of my mind. Is this whole process going to be worth it? Am I over idealising the idea of children? Or at this point child?

At the reunion, one of the women (who works in early childhood something) was talking about her expectations of her first child vs the reality. She knew the reality of infants, yet still imagined sometimes that it would be perfect. “People think they will have an ideal baby, but everyone takes home a real baby”

I don’t think I am over idealising infancy, in fact I am little scared of it. But I do think about potential children at an older age. It is this that makes me break down now, the idea that the future will not contain a moment when I get to read with my child, or play silly games. But am I focusing on these without realising the potential negatives? The child care hassles, the stubborn moments ( and there definitely be those), the mess?

Is what I am going to be going through, what we have to go through, truly worth it? Or are parents united in a conspiracy to persuade others in, like a giant pyramid scheme?

Sunday shopping

We went to ikea today. Big mistake. Sunday plus beginning/mid of school holidays (depends on the state, and it’s within driving distance of NSW) plus end of financial year sales equals very crowded idea. And an opportunity to be judgemental non-parent. Yay me.
If you have a (5 year old, for example) child of normal physical ability, they should not need a stroller for an hours wander through ikea. No really. And this is self evident because they are running amok through the store, causing chaos, while you trundle empty mega stroller through, causing chaos. And the practice of using said stroller as a shopping cart… Grrr. And glaring if the child runs smack into me because they weren’t looking where they were going. So, no going to IKEA for a while.

And in general, there seem to be a lot of older kids in strollers. Is this a generational thing? Or a generational parent thing? On the occasions when I baby sat my little brother ( who will be 9 this year) he would insist on walking where possible- and this was around 2 and 3. This was an awesome way to make sure he would go down for his nap- we would take a short walk and he would sleep like an angel. So I know that kids that age can walk. Ok, fair enough if you are out for the day, but for an hour or so, especially where a food break will happen? But it isn’t uncommon to see 4 and 5 year olds in strollers for what seem like short trips. But it goes with the habit of handing the electronic toy in a restaurant so there need be no interaction/disruption.

There must be something I am missing?

In general though, I would like to have a weekend where we don’t go to a major shopping place. Hoping that will be next weekend