I don’t think i am pregnant.  TWW is officially up on Friday, but pretty sure I know the outcome.  But I am not sure what happens next.

The plan for this year was so clear- an early cycle in Jan or Feb, collecting lots of eggs, fertilising and freezing all.  The some FETs, in the hope that it is the combination of egg collection/stimulation that is throwing off the implanting.

But we derailed that pretty quickly and the new plan was very low key.

The problem is, I don’t know how much longer we can do this.  The original plan B was to leave the country next January, if no pregnancy resulted.  This is still tempting, but that assumed a couple more attempts during the year.

We head off to Japan in late June, so there will be no cycle after this, and no cycle after that (we don’t have the meds for a cycle in May/June and the timing is not provident for the cycle thanks to the week overseas).  I am scheduled for foot surgery at the end of July, so that will probably not be good a cycle either (not sure, suppose I could ask).

Foot Surgery?  I hate it when blogs refer obliquely to other issues and can’t find the info.  I have a bone growth on the top of my left instep, about an inch back from the start of my two middle toes (and the tendon is stretched over it).  When I first saw a Dr about this, he said I had probably had it from childhood (this was three years ago, coincidentally right before the first pregnancy).  I didn’t think so, and the last three years it has grown (which this particular type of problem is NOT supposed to do in adults), and is now more painful and a bit of an issue with certain shoes.  So could have been the hormones, could have been a childhood and life full of soccer.  My left foot is the dominant one, and the growth is in that sweet spot for kicking.

Anyway, I have always had problem feet, and they have had lots of handling by shoe fitting people and podiatrists and the like.  I also had a couple of years of synchronised swimming, which would also have made it obvious (it’s very obvious when i point my feet).  So, adult onset.  It’s only  day surgery, and I get to rest off wrk for a couple of weeks, plus will have swollen foot for 3 months.  Not ideal babymaking situation then.

So, I am getting fed up of Brisbane/QLD/Australia.  The politics are depressing, the alternate whining/smugness of the population frustrating and the cost of living is on the high side, for no discernible benefit.  I like my job though.  My husband is getting frustrated with his job.

Travel and/or living overseas appeals.  For me that pretty much means the end of the trying for babies/kids.  The older I get, the more intervention required and if we are traveling that will be difficult from both a money perspective and a logistics one.  So I view travel as the end point.  My husband doesn’t, so he is more enthused about travel soon, although he now does get my point as well.

I am not ready to throw in the towel, even on IVF, but i don’t know if I can do the cycle for frosties, knowing that we plan to leave the country in 4 months.

But darn it, knowing my stuff is.  I found an unfortunate lapse in planning at work last week- or rather discovered that people were not rectifying a problem previously identified.  I had to dig through legislation to make my point.  Then I had a chat with the regulator.  Who agreed with me ( we are of similar thought processes).

Not surprisingly, the powers that are didn’t like what I had to say (well it is a lot of work for them).  They argued much (hey i didn’t write the law) and there was some attempt to sway the messenger (not quite shoot).  So again, you trust me to review stuff for compliance, but you don’t believe my assessment of the legislative reality?

I think what annoys me is this constant devaluation of my work.  My direct co-workers and boss value it (or at least they tell me they do)- but the wider group, not so much.  They trust the same person over and over again, against my conclusions, and he is frequently wrong.  grrr

In other news, lots of walking in the week with no car.  This shall cease tomorrow.  should probably try to maintain similar level.

And I am discovering a lot of new people with my 3DS StreetPass on the bus.  Turns out, there are students with 3 DSs.  Any suggestions for maximising this?  Apart from my planned trip to Tokyo?

A quiet weekend at home, car went away to have the cyclist damage repaired (racking up a week at the repairers), life goes on.

We are a one car family, and I cheaped out on the insurance, declining the hire car option, so we are public transport/walking around this week.   It has done wonders for my step count, but I am very tired, so maybe wasn’t really in good shape.

Finished a milestone with work, but still have mountains to go, and the desire to strangle a few people.  I hate having to be completely detail orientated, and it is frustrating when I am expected to pick up on others lack of attention (fundamentally pathetic lack of attention to detail).  I have reviewed one document 4 times.  Not because there is anything significant wrong with it (or there wasn’t to begin with) but because the graphic designer keeps picking a different version to alter.  And then the people responsible have the hide to ask for a rush job on another document.  hah. This is meant to be a tiny corner of my job, not my life.  And of the same stunt that was pulled last month gets done, there will be words.  I pushed back because big doc, not easy to rush.  her boss went to senior management who came to my boss.  Other stuff, equally important got dropped.  AND the document which was a rush priority job still hasn’t been sent, or fully signed off.  In part because no seems to have bothered to actually read it before I saw it. It is still completely terrible and badly written (thankfully not my area) but it will be 100% compliant.  Confusing, poorly written, loaded with information that it isn’t relevant but compliant.

People are always a little horrified when I say that if I spot a typo or a grammar mistake, unless it actually causes a compliance problem, I only give a vague indication- “there’s a grammar error in paragraph 2″ rather than point out the error and correct it.  But I am paid to be a compliance person, not a copywriter/subeditor. Someone else has the responsiblity to review the document for spelling, grammar and business rules.  If I do their job for them once, they will expect it forevermore, and if I miss something, it will be my problem.  I probably need to lay it out that clearly again, to the relevant people.  It is understood though, because there have been a few stuff ups in those areas in the last couple of years, and attempts were made to blame us.  “why didn’t you pick up that the factors were incorrect? etc” . These foundered on the clear description of what we do, disclaimers in the emails, and the concept that we are not privy to those details.  But it does make despair for those who work in the field.  I know that my spelling is wonky in certain areas, and my typing causes more issues.  But close to 90% of the time, my grammar errors  are not through lack of knowledge, but conscious decision to break the rule OR , in the case the capitalisation issue, laziness.

It’s been an odd week.

We hit a cyclist on Wednesday night, driving home.  We were driving through an intersection on a one-way road, and the car in front turned the corner sooooo slowly.  We were in the far right lane and the left lanes were all empty, so i guess the cyclist thought no-one would drive through – so he ran his red light and we hit him.  He walked away, but the bumper has a hole, the bonnet has a dent and we won’t have a car next week while it is fixed. So, never run red lights!

This whole timed s.e.x thing is a real pain.  I don’t enjoy the IVF and IUI experience, but it does take some of the pressure off.  This time, all we had to do was spend time in bed, but I spent the second half of the week feeling exhausted, which was not useful, and the pressure to perform causes issues.  This is one of those things that can be very hard to explain to people about the whole process, how it sucks the joy out of life.

Started re-reading The Velvet Room by Zilpha Keatley Snyder. I know I read it as a child, but apart from the name and the vague notion there is a boarded up house, no memory of it.  It is interesting to read as an adult, I am wondering how autobiographical it is.

My iPod has a pedometer.  I like to track my steps (although I am very annoyed with Nike for discontinuing the pedometer linked part of Nike Active).

A couple of others at work also have pedometers and we are engaging in some mildly competetive tracking.  So far I have had the best average, but my coworkers have produced high step counts this week.  So tonight I went for a walk.  I walked 13,000 steps today.

Yay me.

Although, in general you are supposed to walk about 10,000 a day, I only average around 5000.  This week, so far, I am on track to average over 6000.  Which may not seem like much, but it is an improvement.

This has been an odd cycle.  I am doing injections every day, of a tiny amount of FSH, and almost forgot (well did forget) to start!

Morning injections turn out to cause a little bit of nausea.  But they do produce results.  Two decent size follicles on the right, and two poking along on the left.

All things being good, the lefties will fail to go further (otherwise no actual cycle) and the rights will look good tomorow.

really tired.

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time on a monday for a while (have been going to dodgeball on mondays).  I used to go to a great flow class at 6:40  always packed.  I was puzzled by the people waiting, and then when the class began they all grabbed the mini trampolines.  The gym changed the schedule! surprise.  I was able to do the bounce class (usually have to book ahead) and then i did the flow class too- very tired last night.

I am sort of reading friday night lights.  It was in my pile of books to be gotten rid of (trying to downsize the library) and my Kindle died (temporarily as it turns out).

It’s an interesting book.  What I find interesting is more in the representation of the place.  It is based around the 1988 football season in Odessa.  I never lived in Texas (although I knew people from Midland, and Odessa and Lubbock), but 1988 is the year my family moved from Marin County, California to New Mexico. It was a culture shock.  I recognise a lot about 1988 Odessa, much that was similar to 1988 New Mexico, especially the town where I lived.

While the football culture was not (in my memory) as dominant, I do know that by the time I reached high school the one high school in town was overcrowded, but there was reluctance to build a new one, because (oh horrors) that would mean we went from a AAAA sports rating to two AAA teams.  So dreaded was this that we had sub par education in order to maintain a higher sporting level (perhaps more for baseball than football).  There are now two high schools in that town, but it was a tough call I suspect.

I recognise the attitudes, the easy tolerance for poor academic performance in athletes, the lack of encouragement for female activities outside the traditional roles.  It is weird, and it explains a lot of the dysfunction in US politics and culture.  The gulf between the elementary school I attended in Marin (in a town where the hippies became yuppies) and the one I attended in NM was massive.  In my california school, there was one (one) black kid in my year of about 50 students, and a couple (i think ) of asian kids.  I know that there was at least one muslim and several jewish kids.  One the whole though, we were all very similar- upper middle class children destined for college and a relatively comfortable life.  I lost touch with many after graduation but at least one classmate was headhunted to Google or Facebook a few years ago because of his data focus, another writes for the NY Times, others have equally interesting careers.  We had art teachers, drama teachers, singing teachers and computer teachers (in the mid 80s no less- I learned what a googol was in math class).  What we didn’t have was  a PE teacher, or a gym.  Not a priority.

NM was a shock.  More kids in the year, and very economically diverse.  We had PE teachers and music teachers, but forget art, drama or computers- they were handled by the class teacher or parents.  There were some black kids, and a lot of hispanic and indian kids.  Diversity of religion there was not, unless you count the variants of Christianity as diversity.  I was an odd one out because I enjoyed reading.

It was an incredibly different experience, and while I feel that I benefitted from it, I am very glad that we moved again, and that I finished high school in a very different environment.

But we often assume that our experiences are much the same as others, and that may be why it is so hard for those on the coast in the US to understand the “flyover” parts of the country.  The entire growing up experience is different.  The frame of reference is different, the priorities and values are so different, in ways that are very difficult to articulate.

I contrast this with where I live in Australia.  The State education department sets the curriculum for the state.  Kids in a remote mining town will still receive the same texts as those in Brisbane.  They might not have the same quality of teacher (new teachers are sent to the bush), but they do receive the same information.  So different from the school board basis of education in the US.

There are benefits to both, I think the school board focus does allow the curriculum to reflect the values and needs of the community.  It also allows it to reflect the priorities, biases and problems.  In Australia, the principle seems to be that the middle is catered for.  THe truly exceptional and the strugglers don’t really have as much priority.  There are no streamed English classes where the stragglers get the attention they need and the high flyers benefit from challenge.

It is somewhat painful to read Friday NIght Lights, knowing that for many of the players, that season was potentially the pinnacle of their lives.

This is something I have been finding a little lately.  Epbot had a post about reclaiming the word geek, and there have been a few posts here and there that refer to female geekery and issues with the wider community.

I don’t know that I would have classified myself as such.  Yes, I have always loved to read, and was defined by that in elementary school. Does that make me a geek? I don’t think so.

Pop culture wise, we had a black and white tv until the late 80s.  So I didn’t watch much tv, and not many movies (yes truly).  I saw Star Wars for the first time in 1989.  I certainly didn’t see many of the touchstone film and tv geek moments until years later.  Although, I was an X files and Buffy fan through the 90s (including the Buffy movie).

Computer wise I am on shakier ground.  We had a pc before we had a colour tv, and I learned how to program (Logo and Basic). Not that I can know of course.  And I had some very early cult games.  My husband was amazed that I had played SimEarth.

So, I kind of have an understanding of some “geek” elements.  I like to read speculative fiction (sci fi and fantasy).  I read Epbot, and Darths and Droids, and other “geeky” sites on occasion.  I know what cosplay is.  I was not aware until recently that these were not particularly mainstream.

This weekend we went down the Gold Coast for Supanova- which bills itself as a pop culture expo.  A large part of it is devoted to sucking your money out of the wallet- it is essentially a giant dealer room, plus a few panels and some autographing.  And you have to pay for the autographs which is why we didn’t get any.

We went because I wanted to get a book by a Brisbane author I like (Kylie Chan) before its official release date next month.  We also took the opportunity to observe come cosplay costumes and there was a Nintendo booth that was encouraging people to use StreetPass.  I have a 3DS and have not really been able to find other users to take advantage of street pass so this was very useful.

It was an enjoyable day, although a bit commercialised.  That evening there was a family dinner at my mum’s.  We had to explain the concept of cosplay several times.  And the concept of a pop culture expo.  And the fact that people were going, and getting the Hoff’s autograph.  My stepbrothers, who have definitely demonstrated fannish tendencies in the past (one runs a D&D group!) were flabberghasted by the idea.  huh.

SO perhaps I qualify for geek.  It is really interesting to see how little the wider world is aware of a partidcular subculture.  True of both geekery and of infertility though.

Well,no actual cakes, but the last week has felt like one long episode of failure. Not fun. And to add a level of frustration, I think my SIL is pregnant. Nothing was said at dinner last night but I want to get my suspicions down. In itself not a problem, but this means that I will have to fake happiness/ interest at all family gatherings for the next year.

Just not something I am good at.  Increases the desire to travel overseas though.

I have a confession.  Up until very recently, I didn’t take my basal temp, i didn’t use online charting, and I didn’t track my ovulation that closely.  yeah.

Partly this was because we got pregnant sooo quickly the first time, and for the first few months after the miscarriage, assumed it would just happen.  hah.  Then i started using that spit thing.  Never saw any pretty ferns, but I wasn’t very consistent.  Then we used the ovulation wee sticks.  Those were better, but also a major pita. Mine were off the internet and didn’t come with fancy plastic surrounds, or wee cups.  This makes it harder than you might think.

Then we graduated to fertility specialist land, where they tracked progress for us.  So i didn’t bother.  Then somehow we got pregnant naturally, although it ended badly.  So now we are going to be on a much lighter regimen with plenty of trying in the off months.  This means that about a month ago, we went and bought a thermometer.

The major problem I have with this- a watched pot never boils. We do better when I am not paying attention (sad but true).  My husband scheduled all of my ivf meds, all i had to do was wait for the calendar reminder.  So, i take my temp every morning and record it in my little diary, which gets handed off every few days to my husband to enter into the fertility app (not fertility friend because that one was too hard for him).  I have access to the information.

Even this is a little bit too much.  I googled what my temp chart should look like today. bad. anyway, we need a few months of temps not half a month.