what else do you do?

A year ago at this Time I was still processing yet another miscarriage, this time from a pregnancy that lasted longer than any previous ( we made all the way to week eight with a heartbeat!). And here we are a year later.  No baby, no pregnancy, only a plan for the next IVF cycle. I really need to organise that one.

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would still be at this trying to conceive stage I would not have beleived them.  This next cycle, and the egg donation plans feel like the end of the road.  How much further can we go?

I am always nonplussed by comments where people express sympathy by saying they could not do it. Not do what?  I know the IVF is a choice, and I could stop with it, but the most devastating parts of this fertility farce have come from natural pregnancies.  And it’s not like they were fixable.  Nothing will restart the heartbeat of an eight week ( nine week) embryo.  So when people say they would not be able to handle it, what do they think they would do?  It’s not like a broken down car where you can choose to fix it, or replace it or let it go.  It is something that only happens in one way.  

I know there is another option, but s.uicide takes effort.  And generally speaking the fallout from this process is the lack of ability to put much effort out.  So it makes it less likely.  Although, I stumbled on something about how Robin Williams did it, and I understand why methods rarely get reported on ( it’s illegal in Australia to report it) because my reaction was along the lines of I wish I had known that back in the day.  Not good.

So it is a question that I keep circling back to, what do those people ( usually those who have kids or want them, so childlessness not an option) think could be done differently when they say ” I could not have done what you did/couldn’t have managed it” and so on.  That by sheer willpower they would avert all of these issues, which then implies that I am weak for allowing them to happen.

What else can you do but keep going?  When I have gone trekking/hiking/tramping, there is always a point in the day when your pack is too heavy, your legs are tired, your feet are sore and you want to stop.  But you have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, because there is no good place to stop. That’s what it is.  

I had a happy post in my head, but somehow it has gone astray.

Addendum: when I talk about this, I am very aware that my ending point may very well not include a child.  That is also part of of the keep moving.  What I am frustrated with is the sense that I could simply say “stop the world, I want to get off because my body is not cooperating”. As I am throwing a tantrum and stopping the whole process right at the point where my miscarriage happens.  Continuing with a child less life is still continuing.

yay for Friday

It’s been a tough week.  Work has been wearying, there has been lack of health at home and generally just not great.

Fitness wise, it is clear I need to work on it. It’s frustrating to realise how fit I was, compared to now.  I try to walk at lunch most days, even that was a struggle this week.  On Thursday, a co- worker and I did some cliff face stairs.  Or rather she did them ( 6 times) I managed about half, then realised I was really struggling, so walked and did repeated runs of just the last bit. My muscles still ache now.  I wasn’t able to get to the gym much this week either.  Illness and evening plans.

Not much crafting happening, or reading.  

This weekend will be busy.  Two family birthdays on Sunday, two celebrations to attend.  I will make a cake for one, plus the weekend to do list must be compressed into one day.

Cleaning. Has not been happening much.  I did discover that toothbrush use can help with soap scum on glass shower doors. We have an old toothbrush in the bath shower to help get in the corners and edges, especially where mold grows.  While taking a bath, I tried toothbrush on a corner of the shower screen.  It really helped!  We have hard water, so it can be very stubborn, and those glass screens are popular. Not a fan anymore.  Up until now it has required very chemically cleaners, so very happy, but a slow cleaning process.

Yep, not much happening here.

bad food habits

Not in that we are actively making terrible choices, but circumstances conspire against us.  It’s the end of winter, so colds and flu abound. I have not yet been struck down, but G has. We are busy, but not happy, at work. We were away the entirety of the weekend.  I am trying to get fit, so going to the gym in the evening. G is mysteriously exhausted.

So, dinner is likely to occur around 8. No prep has occurred.  We weren’t here on the weekend to have a big meal to set up the menu for the week.  So it’s easier to get takeaway, buy readymades or eat cheese and chocolate.  Tonight’s dinner is steamed veggies, currently simmering away.  This is because the budgets money for week is gone.  Expensive weekend away plus stupid rental car authorisation for more than expected.  

Anyway, struggling to find real food and eat it.

really!?

I have had a less than stellar week.  One of the least fun things about it has been writing a submission I don’t think needs to be written.  I finished it, sent an email to all interested parties and came home with a sinus headache/migraine.

 

One of the interested parties was kind enough to email me and say thanks and that I had been more eloquent than his original ideas were.  In a more basic way than that. Yay.

And then, just now if foolishly checked my email.  The person who required the submission be done.  Sigh has reviewed it. And made changes.  And suggests I follow the formatting style of the submission made on an alternative matter yesterday.  The ad hoc, completely out of whack with current style submission. Insert maniacal laughter here.  I simply cannot win on this.  When I originate a submission, it is formatted within an inch of its life.  When w@nker golden boy does it, any format goes.  And then I am to copy.

And no.  Formatting matters.

I cannot win.  Apparently I am the person who must be required to present things precisely, but the next person to do the job can be as slapdash as they want.

In a previous job I had to put together board papers.  The board apparently required that the tabs have labs.  Tiny, hard to line up labels.  I suffered through it.  Then it was no longer part of my job. ( they were going to a new service provider and didn’t want me to see their internal docs). Apparently lining up labels was beyond the abilities of the next person.  She was allowed to handwrite numbers to match the agenda items.  Still bitter about those wasted hours.

the not relaxing weekend away

We went to Rockhampton for the weekend.  This was never going to be a super relaxing weekend away, but it could have been better.

Our flight was supposed to leave at 7 am.  This meant a very early start to get there.  Then my. We pair of embroidery scissors was confiscated, because I forgot they were in my project box ( not sure why I bothered, I didn’t touch it all weekend). So I had my carry on double scanned and then I was selected for the bonus explosive scan. 

Then, once we were all loaded onto the propeller plane, the pilot announced there was a problem, and the maintenance man came on.  Bonus, the entrance is in the back, he had to walk the length of the plane.  Whatever was wrong was really wrong.  We were deplaned, and had to wait in the airport for two plus hours, before getting back on the plane and flying up to Rocky.  

My plans had included a visit to one of the local patchwork shops, but as we landed past 11, and it closed at 12 that plan went out the window.  We went and picked up J, who was kind of surprised, and I got my visit to a different patchwork shop while J and G were hanging out at the shopping centre.  Then we did some clothes shopping, dropped J home and crashed ( that early start).  

Dinner out was nice, but I was reminded that we were in a country town.  Our reservation was for 7. The restaurant was already full of other diners.  We finished at 9:30 or so. The kitchen was closed.  All but one other table were long gone and the wait staff were aggressively putting silverware away.  Now I know how melbournites used to feel in Brisbane. 

Later, G and I went for a stroll near our hotel, which was near the old Main Street ( hollowed out by the shopping centres and their air con). Saturday night and the clubbing was getting going at a few of the pubs.  I felt old, but a lot of the people out were older than me.  I prefer a quiet drinking space I guess.

Sunday started witha nice breakfast and then a visit to G’s grandfather, still going strong at 90 plus(?). A few other family members were there for a regular catch up, so that was nice.  Then lunch out with the in laws and J, and a visit to their house at the beach.  Their dog has only ever met me while I was pregnant, so I always assumed her demented behaviour around me was due to that.  Apparently not.

Then back to town, we hung out at McDonald’s before driving to the airport.  By this time I had a lovely headache, so the flight back was not fun.  But it was a jet this time so it was faster.

Bonus, I got my period, so not pregnant.

Not a terrible weekend.  Good to have family catch ups. But not the most relaxing thing we could do.

Rockhampton river

 

an observation

For most of our visits to Rockhampton in the past few years I have been either sick or pregnant ( but not aware of it).  I have been feeling the niggles of an impending cold this week, and I suspect I am not pregnant.

I know a surprise natural pregnancy is a low probability but still sad.

thoughts

Like little bees in the brain, buzzing around.

Sometimes I think I am at the point of being accepting of a child free life.  And then something happens, and I am not.  Frustrating.

 

Perspective on the news matters.  I read news sites that present a different spin to the main news media in Australia. I have a co-worker whose husband is a police officer.  She tends to be on the side of law enforcement. Ok no surprise there, but I read the news stories about the less intelligent things that law enforcement does.  Sometimes I point out the things that get missed in the other stories, but sometimes it is an argument not worth having.

I really don’t like it when the phrase ” if you have done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear” is trotted out about legislation or as an argument for greater police powers.  Everyone has done something that can be misconstrued against them.  Everyone.  And to complacently allow your abilities to argue against greater invasions of privacy and rights is just so frustrating.

I am having a very forgetty week.  Really simple things just slip my mind.  I think I need to have a quiet peaceful few days.

An old friend from soccer has asked me if I want to play at the masters.  I have done it before, but that was before my soccer club forgot I existed.  And I am very out of condition.  I do miss soccer, miss the joy of playing, but I hate playing out of shape.  And out of practice.  Maybe I should be looking for a futsal competition instead.

I am frustrated with Australia, but the US and UK ( our most viable options) are not awesome either.  At least some of the things I find frustrating here will exist there and there are other factors.  I like having a pretty much standard 4 weeks of holiday a year.  Small, but important.

Sometimes though I am amazed and gobsmacked by the fact that we (well some of us) live in societies that have managed to put in place a system where we can vote in a different government every few years and the party in power just steps aside.  For much of human history, and for most people this is not the case. People in power don’t like to give it.  

I am also amazed that we managed to live with multiple religions and that there is no direct involvement of religion in our day to day governing.  Another thing that is out of sync with so much of history.  And yet, for those of us who live in these societies, this is totally normal.  We can barely understand the meaning of a society and government that is tied to religion.where those who set the religious rules are also setting the rules for living over all.  For those of us who live among variations of various religions it is equally hard to envision why each sect would struggle against the others.  Why?  It’s not something we ever discussed in any of my school history classes. I cannot remember what made me realise that for a group that believes they must follow strict rules for salvation, the existence of a similar but not exactly the same group is a real threat.  What if you need to put your hat on before your shoes instead of the other way round to ensure salvation.  Such a small, but important detail.  I find it interesting, but it would have been/is a matter of eternal life or death.  How do we cope with this every day? The confusion of different beliefs, that we can still balance.

 

 

 

 

Just another WordPress site

%d bloggers like this: