Still worried

Written June 29, publishing a month later

I am still worried. We have made it to eight weeks before (I had to trawl though old blog posts, my blog needs some work). And it ended a week after that.

I know my odds of miscarriage are higher than average, even with the good heartbeat. I am older. I have had previous miscarriages. These are not good things.

I have to keep telling myself that this can happen.

The last time there were signs of delay (but we have sort of had that this time- based on LMP I am 9 weeks along. It’s just that the scans have been consistent, so it looks like date of conception was a little late.). It is a slightly different bleed pattern this time, but it’s different every time.

This time, we don’t have a scan booked until 10 weeks. I have to get through two more weeks.

Deep breaths.

Progress

Written June 26, for reading four weeks from now.

Today we had our first ever actual obstetrician visit! Partly because he had already seen us while filling in at the fertility clinic, and I had a bad bleed on friday. But it was still the first visit.

We saw and heard a heartbeat, and there has been exactly the right amount of growth.  Yay! Of course we aren’t out of the woods yet, but we are closer.

I think the doctor got a shock when we talked about my surgeries- the laparotomy I had last year is going to make things interesting. Generally you are supposed to wait 18 months between major uterine surgery- mine will clock in at more like 14. Whoops.  And I have to have a c section, as a result of that surgery.

So moving along.  This might actually happen.

Swings and roundabouts

Another post to be read four weeks from now. Lots of details here

Today started well.  We had an early scan- well, not so early, the doctor was over an hour late. It wasn’t my usual specialist, but another doctor filling in. We had a heartbeat, and measurements that put me at exactly 8 weeks. Well that is slightly odd. My dates are more like 8 weeks 5 days. But we have been measuring a bit slow all along, so ok. 

The doctor was reassuring, although he still had the optimism that I will not be that 5% with problems after all the signs. Ha. But since he is likely to be the obstetrician I go to, good.

Or would go to.  

We went out to dinner at the leagues club, and as we were walking out, just after I had gone to the toilet I felt a gush. My white leggings will never be the same. Luckily I had a pad in my bag, ran back in and changed. We caught a cab home. And once I had stepped into the shower, I realised I had filled a pad in about 15 minutes. Not awesome. Usually a flag for the hospital. While I was showering G called the obstetrician.  And he said to take it easy, but unless I continue to gush, no need for the hospital. So a quiet weekend at home.

I don’t want this again.

 

Further steps

Written mid June, to be read four weeks later.

Things seem to be going ok.  Bledding(spotting) has disappeared.  But so have many of my symptoms. Apparently this can and does happen around the eight week mark.

And gradually accepting.  I have a pregnancy app on my phone- this is a big step for me, I have refused to have an app, join a website with daily updates (because there weren’t really apps that first time) in the previous pregnancies.

We went to lifeline for some books on Saturday (lifeline is a charity shop, they hold a giant book sale very years, to their shops usually have a good book selection). The one near us has a good selection of Mills and Boon, so we go there to get them. And I picked up a copy of Up the Duff by Kaz Cooke for $4. It’s a pregnancy book. Surprise!

And then on Sunday, we went into town so G could get a new phone.  While we were eating lunch I saw a couple of girls with pink bags from a baby expo. So we went.  I didn’t last very long- so much unnecessary stuff, but I went. And I have a couple of catalogues to look at later.

I still don’t know if I believe it’s really happening- that this one might stick

 

Stitch diary- sublime cushion cover

A brief post of accomplishment.

I started this cushion cover (from Sublime Stitching) a couple of months ago.  I was working on it before we went to Japan. When we came back I would pick it up and sporadically work on it, but not a lot. This week I have had some free time and a need to focus on something – stitching can be very good for this.

My mum bought this for me for my birthday last year- it’s printed with ink that washes out. I like sublime stitching designs, and have plenty of the iron on transfers and a couple of tea towels, but none of the other textiles.  I had asked for one of their little stitching cases (very cute and small, with scissors and needles), and she decided to get the cushion cover as well.

 

Ticking along

Another post written four weeks before published.

This pregnancy is just ticking along. It’s odd.

We had a scan at the fertility specialist on Wednesday. He didn’t go into a great deal of detail (no measuring). I don’t know whether this is good or bad- he can see issues and doesn’t want to raise them, or he thinks it is fine.  But I also have some progesterone pessaries now.

The dribble of spotting continues, but it is still just a dribble.

Symptom wise, I don’t have a lot, but what I do have is dizziness and light headedness.  Which is not awesome.  Last night was a big industry trivia event.  I signed up a couple of months ago, so wasn’t planning on a sober night.  There is generally a lot of drinking (beer and wine supplied on the tables), and the morning after at work is generally very interesting.  I was the only person in my team who went, so no one saw my sober night.  At some point this morning it came up that trivia night was last night and my co-worker said “oh, that’s why you aren’t looking to healthy this morning”! Oh, I guess that’s a sign I am not looking too well.

 

The nature of grief

I can remember reading something years ago, which now has some resonance with me.  I can’t remember the book, although I think it might have from one of the Anne of green gables books. (Which is interesting all by itself considering the author struggled to have children).

Two characters are discussing the idea that historically people didn’t get attached to their children until they were 5 or 6, past the infant death zone. They didn’t agree with that, how could people not love their children, and that it would be hard to watch children die.  I think this is an imperfect summary, but the gist has stayed with me for years.  And now, I think I see it from both sides.  Yes, it is hard not to be attached, but for people who have experienced potentially years of losses, there is also the fear of attaching to something that will go away soon.  For someone that had children survive early on, I imagine the attachment would be more secure. But if your first five babies died, how could you get too invested in number six, at least initially?

My grief this time is not the same as it was that first time (or even the subsequent ones), it changes with experience.

I should note that due to familial circumstances I did not have much interaction with death as a child.  We lived on a different continent from my extended family. I have never been to a funeral (and now am a little freaked out about going). 

I am still sad, and I did start to let myself believe it would happen this time, but not the wholesale belief of the first couple.  On the flip side, I also know that this is survivable, that the pain is going to lessen.  I have felt a little fraudulent, taking time off work and feeling ok, and then I start crying or get angry with the world (definitely happening, I think my tolerance levels for stupid comments have dropped) and I realise that I do need the time.  

So, I can understand how parents would be reluctant to get too invested, or to draw the attention of gods and spirits (depending on the belief) to a treasured child. Because it is hard to be so attached and then to lose it.  

We don’t have a lot of modern rituals for grief, and we find the ones we know of from history (or religion) to be extreme, or seem obsessive.  I think they are there to provide structure and a means for channeling and expressing that grief.  We don’t have that anymore, and I think that can be detrimental for healthy grief and for people in expressing sympathy.