It’s not your fault

This is well up there in the list of least favourite things people say after a miscarriage.

For starters, how do they know? It’s not like I am going to tell anyone that I have been drinking a bottle of wine every night, or 5 coffees a day. Or going for a 10 k run. Not that I have been, but how would they know.

Secondly, the more people say it, the less I believe it. I wasn’t blaming myself, so why are you telling me it’s not my fault? That implies that you DO think it is.

And for the last horrible one. This is the third one. Plus the failed ivf cycles. So all up I have failed to nurture 7 embryos ( that I know of). Three of which made it to the visible heartbeat. So, maybe there is something, whether conscious or not?

My husband gets to say this, but he does have an idea of what I am doing. And he can see me thinking about it.

My doctor kind of gets to say it. One of the more surreal things about Monday was his desire to have the genetic test show abnormalities, because then it isn’t me, and I can stop fretting on that.

It is extremely frustrating. There is no clear reason why. None. And all of the resources say, not your fault. But why are we expected to take any number of precautions if there is no way to control this!? I was resting, working from home, taking Chinese herbs, using progesterone and doing acupuncture. All of those things are activities that most pregnant women don’tneed to do. So why?

2 thoughts on “It’s not your fault”

  1. People say a lot of stupid shit- probably because they don’t know what else to say. I often wonder if my losses were the result of something I was or wasn’t doing as well. Yes, I have APS, but my antibodies are moderately elevated, and I did carry one baby to term. So what gives? I don’t think we’ll ever know for sure, and that’s the hardest part. Hugs to you…

  2. I had two miscarriages, both after hearing perfectly strong heartbeats and both after IVF or IUI. The unfairness of it was absolutely breathtaking as was the fact that no one who hadn’t experienced the same kind of thing was the least bit able to understand.
    The thing is, there was part of me that blamed myself. What other factor that I could control could there be? It hurt more to think that they were random (which in the end, it turned out they were). I wanted a reason and I was perfectly willing to let that reason be me because then I could do something to fix it.
    So, I understand the desire of the people who have said this to you and I also understand why it hurts so much to hear.
    No matter why it happened, it still sucks. Royally, epically and unfairly.

Leave a Reply