I am struggling with making future plans. This blog post has been in my head for a week or two, so there is some movement, but still.
We have been talking about moving to another city, or overseas, for a while. That was always plan b for when the ivf didn’t work. So, the idea was Melbourne this year. Except that I don’t seem to be able to job hunt, or update my resume. Or think about it at all. Which is really frustrating for G. Part of the problem is that my current job is quite comfortable, most days. The other part is that I just can’t. Even though I want to move.
We are going to the USA in May (and if you live in NYC, Chicago or San fransisco would love to catch up) but I have been stalling on those plans too. The trip is partly for my 15 year reunion at college. 15 years! Argh. G has been making all kinds of plans, and I have been stalling there too. We finally bit the bullet and got the airline tickets two days ago. Now are looking at sleeping arrangements and NYC is beyond expensive. So may be trying airbnb.
Anyway, some of the stalling is because I keep thinking that I will be pregnant by the time these events roll around. And that will affect whether or not we go. I don’t know why, it’s not as if actual pregnancy lasts longer than two months for me anyway. But that’s what my brain is doing. And we are putting off that last freeze the embryo cycle of ivf ( if you have frozen embryos- I am irrationally jealous of that, and these every time I see them mentioned) in part because I do seem to be somewhat fertile this year (3 pregnancies in 13 months) if not hospitable. And because the trip to the USA is going to suck away the savings.
I am more capable of planning for the February trip to Melbourne to see Springsteen. But still not that organised.
It’s like I can only rationally plan a few days in advance. Everything else is overwhelmed by the what ifs, which causes delays. And while one foot in front of the other is a coping strategy for making it through the days, it isn’t always the best way to plan ahead. You can get to the edge of the cliff before you realise you are there.