Stuck

I am struggling with making future plans. This blog post has been in my head for a week or two, so there is some movement, but still.

We have been talking about moving to another city, or overseas, for a while. That was always plan b for when the ivf didn’t work. So, the idea was Melbourne this year. Except that I don’t seem to be able to job hunt, or update my resume. Or think about it at all. Which is really frustrating for G. Part of the problem is that my current job is quite comfortable, most days. The other part is that I just can’t. Even though I want to move.

We are going to the USA in May (and if you live in NYC, Chicago or San fransisco would love to catch up) but I have been stalling on those plans too. The trip is partly for my 15 year reunion at college. 15 years! Argh. G has been making all kinds of plans, and I have been stalling there too. We finally bit the bullet and got the airline tickets two days ago. Now are looking at sleeping arrangements and NYC is beyond expensive. So may be trying airbnb.

Anyway, some of the stalling is because I keep thinking that I will be pregnant by the time these events roll around. And that will affect whether or not we go. I don’t know why, it’s not as if actual pregnancy lasts longer than two months for me anyway. But that’s what my brain is doing. And we are putting off that last freeze the embryo cycle of ivf ( if you have frozen embryos- I am irrationally jealous of that, and these every time I see them mentioned) in part because I do seem to be somewhat fertile this year (3 pregnancies in 13 months) if not hospitable. And because the trip to the USA is going to suck away the savings.

I am more capable of planning for the February trip to Melbourne to see Springsteen. But still not that organised.

It’s like I can only rationally plan a few days in advance. Everything else is overwhelmed by the what ifs, which causes delays. And while one foot in front of the other is a coping strategy for making it through the days, it isn’t always the best way to plan ahead. You can get to the edge of the cliff before you realise you are there.

6 thoughts on “Stuck”

  1. Ugh, IF and treatments make it so hard to plan ahead. It’s like you are always waiting for something to turn your life upside down, so what’s the point of planning? Having said that your plans for travel sounds really awesome, so I do hope you can make them happen!

    I can barely think about changing jobs right now, so I admire you for even having that on the table. Strictly from a career point of view, I feel like I should at least consider changing jobs in the next year or two. But I don’t want to put that pressure on myself when we are actively doing treatments, either. And like you, my current job is comfortable…and I have great colleagues, and I can walk to work…It’s not much of a motivation for change! I at least plan to update my resume this year though – surely that is an achievable step!

  2. Technically speaking, my IF journey is over (thought he emotional repercurssions will last a lifetime, no doubt), and being on the other side, one of my greatest regrets is spending so much time in that limbo state that you are in now. Good for you for taking steps to plan some stuff, no matter how tough it feels. It’s not easy. Sending love…

    1. It is tough, but that was actually one of the things the therapist said after the first IVF. Which did help, in terms of putting the idea of planning in our heads

  3. updating resumes and job hunting is hard in the best of circumstances if you ask me. My job is making me very uncomfortable for four months now, but I barely recovered my Linked in password, let alone updated anything….
    hugs from creme de la creme

    1. Thanks, it is hard to motivate to change jobs. I don’t know how people manage to change every couple of years- so much work!

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