A year ago at this Time I was still processing yet another miscarriage, this time from a pregnancy that lasted longer than any previous ( we made all the way to week eight with a heartbeat!). And here we are a year later. No baby, no pregnancy, only a plan for the next IVF cycle. I really need to organise that one.
If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would still be at this trying to conceive stage I would not have beleived them. This next cycle, and the egg donation plans feel like the end of the road. How much further can we go?
I am always nonplussed by comments where people express sympathy by saying they could not do it. Not do what? I know the IVF is a choice, and I could stop with it, but the most devastating parts of this fertility farce have come from natural pregnancies. And it’s not like they were fixable. Nothing will restart the heartbeat of an eight week ( nine week) embryo. So when people say they would not be able to handle it, what do they think they would do? It’s not like a broken down car where you can choose to fix it, or replace it or let it go. It is something that only happens in one way.
I know there is another option, but s.uicide takes effort. And generally speaking the fallout from this process is the lack of ability to put much effort out. So it makes it less likely. Although, I stumbled on something about how Robin Williams did it, and I understand why methods rarely get reported on ( it’s illegal in Australia to report it) because my reaction was along the lines of I wish I had known that back in the day. Not good.
So it is a question that I keep circling back to, what do those people ( usually those who have kids or want them, so childlessness not an option) think could be done differently when they say ” I could not have done what you did/couldn’t have managed it” and so on. That by sheer willpower they would avert all of these issues, which then implies that I am weak for allowing them to happen.
What else can you do but keep going? When I have gone trekking/hiking/tramping, there is always a point in the day when your pack is too heavy, your legs are tired, your feet are sore and you want to stop. But you have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, because there is no good place to stop. That’s what it is.
I had a happy post in my head, but somehow it has gone astray.
Addendum: when I talk about this, I am very aware that my ending point may very well not include a child. That is also part of of the keep moving. What I am frustrated with is the sense that I could simply say “stop the world, I want to get off because my body is not cooperating”. As I am throwing a tantrum and stopping the whole process right at the point where my miscarriage happens. Continuing with a child less life is still continuing.