microblog Monday: counting down

Looking forward to our end of year trip. Only three more working days, then two and half weeks of Japan. We rotate our Christmases- one year with G’s family up north, one year with my family in Brisbane and one year away.  This is an away year.

I am glad we are taking this trip. I need a distraction from the fact that the last cycle was a fizzle.  I need a break. As does my husband.

So we are making plans, sorting clothes to take. Planning what gear goes, eying up different activities (a tour of the imperial palace, trying printmaking) and contemplating relaxing.

Oddly, going away makes it easier to connect with family for end of year- we make more of an effort to catch up before we leave.

Still having moments when it is all too much, so having something else to focus on is very good.

And the cultural expectations of Christmas and new year are not the same in Japan, which means that some things that can be upsetting are less likely.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.


feeling fragile

So, I took my last BCP on Tuesday night.  When I went on them, my husband expressed some reservations.  But I seemed to be fine while taking them.  Stopping them, not so much. The intention was to trigger my period early, so we could get an early December retrieval.  

So, on Thursday night I made brownies.  A big batch, so some in the square Pyrex I always use and a bit more in a new little rectangular tin.  The rectangular tin was fine, but I was in a hurry with the Pyrex, touched my little finger to something hot and dropped it on the floor.  The shiny white tiled floor (I seriously don’t like tiled floors for much, but renters don’t get a choice). Baked brownie and glass everywhere.  Very very sad. So my work got brownies, his work got a sultana cake.

And today. I was upset by my gym teacher, I was upset by a comment G made and walked into a sliding glass door, I got upset when we went shopping.  Not really a happy person.  I think the only reason I have been ok at work is because the office has been a bit empty this week and the person who sits next to me (who is very capable of saying the wrong thing) has been out of the office from Wednesday. 

But I finally got my period, which means that the later of the two days we were aiming for egg retrieval should be ok. 

divining with entrails

Old forms of fortune telling would probably be about as accurate as reading whether the symptoms are pregnancy or not.  I wish that after five years I would have learned to mellow out about this, but apparently not.  Each cycle is a roller coaster of yes-nos. 

And the fact my cycle is no longer a consistent length just makes it worse.  My period should arrive between yesterday and Monday.  No testing till Tuesday. That is my choice, because I hate testing an getting a negative more than I hate waiting.

The fact that I felt less energetic last week could be interpreted as a good sign, except that lethargy disappeared on Friday. As did my card and chocolate cravings.  Which is interesting considering that pop culture presents those as period symptoms.  Not for me, they are clearly pre- menstrual. But two weeks of not so much walking still held my pace down on Friday.  

Cramps, ovarian tinges and faint nausea things could go both ways.  I think I had some decent ovarian cysts, and I was getting a wallop from their hormones. And lest anyone think they are positive symptoms, they do appear many months for me.

My husband prefers to be optimistic until proven otherwise.  I like to think that I am more pragmatic, but I still get upset.


what else do you do?

A year ago at this Time I was still processing yet another miscarriage, this time from a pregnancy that lasted longer than any previous ( we made all the way to week eight with a heartbeat!). And here we are a year later.  No baby, no pregnancy, only a plan for the next IVF cycle. I really need to organise that one.

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would still be at this trying to conceive stage I would not have beleived them.  This next cycle, and the egg donation plans feel like the end of the road.  How much further can we go?

I am always nonplussed by comments where people express sympathy by saying they could not do it. Not do what?  I know the IVF is a choice, and I could stop with it, but the most devastating parts of this fertility farce have come from natural pregnancies.  And it’s not like they were fixable.  Nothing will restart the heartbeat of an eight week ( nine week) embryo.  So when people say they would not be able to handle it, what do they think they would do?  It’s not like a broken down car where you can choose to fix it, or replace it or let it go.  It is something that only happens in one way.  

I know there is another option, but s.uicide takes effort.  And generally speaking the fallout from this process is the lack of ability to put much effort out.  So it makes it less likely.  Although, I stumbled on something about how Robin Williams did it, and I understand why methods rarely get reported on ( it’s illegal in Australia to report it) because my reaction was along the lines of I wish I had known that back in the day.  Not good.

So it is a question that I keep circling back to, what do those people ( usually those who have kids or want them, so childlessness not an option) think could be done differently when they say ” I could not have done what you did/couldn’t have managed it” and so on.  That by sheer willpower they would avert all of these issues, which then implies that I am weak for allowing them to happen.

What else can you do but keep going?  When I have gone trekking/hiking/tramping, there is always a point in the day when your pack is too heavy, your legs are tired, your feet are sore and you want to stop.  But you have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, because there is no good place to stop. That’s what it is.  

I had a happy post in my head, but somehow it has gone astray.

Addendum: when I talk about this, I am very aware that my ending point may very well not include a child.  That is also part of of the keep moving.  What I am frustrated with is the sense that I could simply say “stop the world, I want to get off because my body is not cooperating”. As I am throwing a tantrum and stopping the whole process right at the point where my miscarriage happens.  Continuing with a child less life is still continuing.

Catching up

It’s been a less than stellar week, and it’s only tuesday!  I hsve a mental list of posts I want to write, but lack of energy at home.

Where to start?  

On Monday, where I found that a summay I wrote, for which I had to throw the rest of my workload under the bus for a week and am still dealing with the consequences, had been circulated to approximately no one in the past three weeks since i finished it.  Originally the plan had been to give said summary to someone else to jazz it up for the trustes (because that wasn’t insulting either) but that didn’t happen.  Anyway I had to go to a meeting today where the three other participants had received a copy of the summary and were starting a response to the original document based on my summary of it.  so three people read it.  It makes me feel less than warm and fuzzy about certain people at my work.  Thankfully they are not ones i interact with much. (for those that know me in real life and have heard me whinge about a particular character who usually adds to my workload- he was the one who actually got the ball rolling on other people seeing it and was not the cause of my issue)

Today when I totally blanked on an industry update (for which a substantial sum was paid to register) and thereby missed the first hour.  Gah.  And i reminded myself about it yesterday, but blanked today. Luckily, the parts i particularly wanted to hear were the ones that were scheduled later.  But i felt like an idiot, and was very frustrated.

The general feeling of meh.

The return of the person whose desk is next to mine after 9 weeks of holiday.  We are not at each other’s throats, but she is not a quiet person, and she is just about to start organising her wedding.  time to sort out some good headphones.

I talked to my sister about donor eggs last week.  She s still on board, but had seen a counselor and had some questions, issues.  She emailed me, and also indicated she didnt know where we were up to, so we could refuse eggs if wanted.  I emailed back about the fact that after 4 miscarriages and 3 failed IVF cycles donor eggs and/or PGD are serious options.  I havent really talked to my family about the last miscarriage, it was such a brief pregnancy that it never went far.  my mum knew about all three of the other ones, but i wasnt sure if my sister knew.  She didn’t.  We will try to schedule a cycle so she can come out for retrieval the weekend that we have our big family get-together.  That way she has something to look forward to, and it provides a reason for the visit for the curious. My mum knows that we are doing this, but I really dont want to discuss it with the wider family until it is something.   So my sister is one of those people who can manipulate her cycle with the pill.  I am not.  Which makes me very happy i am not going through IVF in the USA, so many clinics seem to use that as a start.

I need new sneakers.  I can feel the heel support in mine is no longer good.  I hate spending $200 on sneakers (the typical price for a decent pair here)  I know the value of decent shoes though.

The accounting team at work has lost my expense claim for my ipad cover.  yet they will probably process my signed off deduction to purchase the old ipad immediately.  not impressed.

Oh, and i keep meaning to sign up for ICLW, but am freaked out and forget.


Wine and cheese

Well, I went to the Black Bubbles wine tasting on Friday night at a local bottle shop (Purple Palate for anyone in QLD who wants nice wine) and enjoyed some very nice stinky cheese.  Australia has these pesky laws about importing non-pasteurised cheese (and actually most other pasturised cheese) from places overseas, so the supply of really good cheese is limited.  But purple palate had some nice stuff, and there is another wine bar in town that seems to import the good stuff- so will be going there.

Clearly from my food choices, I am no way carrying any kind of future mini me.  Had a very interesting episode where had to do a test at work (a lot of the annoying stuff seems to be in the ladies room at work, not the best environment for it) and then came to a rather frustrating conclusion on the mathmatics skills of the nurses at the doctors office.  I shall be enjoying the fermented fruit of the vine and the mouldy products of cows for another few weeks.

So this weekend has been very quiet.  I finished my crochet amarigumi mongkey, who is somewhat wonky- my husband kindly compared him to the scary guy who befriends Chunk in Goonies.  Anyway, I redid the pattern in pink (it was the wool I had to hand) and since it is a smaller ply, and I was a little more skilled, the pink monkey will be more attractive.  But will still have no pants.

We also made a batch of strawberry kiwi jam.  This will be used for Christmas gifts.  It’s quite nice, a little bit tart, which is generally counted as a positive feature in my family.

Other than that, not much, it’s heading towards summer and the weather is warm.  There have been discussions of going to Japan for Christmas, but am not sure if it is a wise idea- not sure if we can justify the money, not sure if we will go if I turn out to have a working uterus in the next couple of months.